1. Faking your orgasms … very, very obviously.
If we can’t tell, that’s one thing. But if we know you’re faking it and you’re overzealously selling like a used car salesman, it’s going to drain all the horniness out of us. To be clear, in that simile, I’m not implying that used car salesmen have loud, fake orgasms. I’m just saying they’re pushy. I don’t know what it looks like when a used car salesman orgasms. I’ve never fucked a used car salesman to the point of orgasm.
2. Playing hard to get.
It’s not that being slightly aloof isn’t sexy. It is. But there’s a difference between being a bit coy when we first meet and making us jump through hoops. We don’t want to have to text you multiple times just to get an answer out of you. All that does is make us feel like a psycho and make it feel like you’re not into us at all. And that’s the problem. There’s a thin line between “playing hard to get” and “making us assume you aren’t interested.”
3. Obviously fake anything.
This is a bit of a weird Catch-22. I think, generally speaking, people don’t mind fake hair, nails, boobs, tans, etc. as long as it isn’t immediately and obviously fake. Then it crosses some imaginary line into tacky. Is it unfair? Maybe. But that doesn’t immediately change things.
4. Talking in a baby voice.
Sure, some people are super into this apparently. Some people are into role-playing as babies. There’s someone out there for everything, is my point. But generally speaking, don’t spend all your time talking in a voice three octaves above your regular one. Especially not during sex. Dirty talking in that pitch will scare our boner to death.
5. Sending him tons of selfies.
Do they contain a fair bit of cleavage? Carry on. Are they 27 separate selfies of you with your Starbucks cup? Please turn your phone off for at least an hour.
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6. Acting fake.
This goes for anything. Whether it’s pretending to be interested in something you aren’t, or acting sexually adventurous, or extra prude just because you think we’ll like it. There is a difference between being interested in things and lying.
7. “Surprising” us with new sex moves.
There is a difference between wanting to try a new position you read about (ON COSMOPOLITAN.COM LOL), and unceremoniously jamming your finger into our asshole without warning. Don’t do the latter.
8. Teasing us with the prospect of sex.
It’s not fun when you hold sex over our head as if we only get it as a reward and not because you also enjoy it.
9. Trying to be “quirky.”
We realize that people are only quirky in movies. In real life, trying to be the human embodiment of Zooey Deschanel when that’s not what you’re really like is just weird and off-putting.
10. Acting dumb for attention
Where did this correlation even come from? Dumb doesn’t equal sexy. Drop this immediately, because you’re so much sexier just being you.