Maybe one of the biggest tests of a relationship’s strength is how well you two can successfully share a bed.
Say what you will, but it really seems to me like beds were made for one person. Except for maybe king-size beds, which are basically big enough that you can share them without even realizing it. That’s the ideal situation.
1. I am not going to let you spoon me all night long. I don’t get how anyone finds this comfortable for more than five minutes before feeling like they’re trapped in a sweaty arm prison of their own making.
2. I have a side of the bed and there is no way you are taking it from me. It is this side, and yes, it’s better, and no, you can’t have it, because my body shape is already permanently indented over here and what if you screw that up?
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3. You absolutely cannot sleep on my very cute decorative pillows. I have regular pillows, pillow shams, and then some decorative pillows I paid way too much money for. You may sleep on the regular pillow and that is all.
4. I’m blown away by how many stray little man hairs I find left behind when you get up. I think guys might actually shed more than girls do because it’s seriously astonishing. I could make a wig.
5. I know what you’re trying to say when you “accidentally” poke me with your boner. I feel that thing back there, rubbing up ever so carefully against my back. Put it away! There are more polite ways to ask to have sex! Like using words!
6. I’m not in for a night-long tug o’ war with these covers. If you pull these off me and I wake up freezing at 3 a.m. there will be hell to pay.
7. If you start snoring, I might start slapping you in the face. You know that lying on your back makes you snore. Maybe just don’t lie on your back. Problem solved!
8. Your body goes underneath the flat sheet. Why do men have such a hard time with the flat sheet? It goes directly on top of your body, and it is nice and soft, which is why I have it on my bed in the first place. Stop lying on top of this thing because that traps me underneath it.
9. If we’re cozy enough to share a bed, we’re cozy enough to kiss with morning breath when we wake up. Don’t rush out of bed and brush your teeth and then leave me alone with my slovenly troll morning breath. We’re better than this.
10. I like taking up the entire bed just as much as you do, but I’m not rude so I won’t do that. You do not get to starfish in my bed. If anyone can, it’s me and me only.
11. It feels like your body literally transforms into a radiator when you fall asleep. You were a normal temperature during the day but now it suddenly feels like you’re radiating 1,000 degrees of heat in my little bed and oh my god, I’m sweating so much, how do you live with yourself.
12. If you wake me up before my alarm, I am going to turn into a monster for the rest of the day. If you wake up first, that is fine. But please. Please. Be mindful and don’t wake me up super-early.
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13. Sharing a bed does not equal endless sex throughout the night. Nighttime is when I sleep. This doesn’t change just because you are sleeping over.
14. I don’t get why you’re putting your face on my pillow when you have your own. Nothing more terrifying than waking up to someone’s face in your face, even if that other face belongs to someone you like.
15. I will absolutely push and roll you over if you encroach on my space. You haven’t even seen me get territorial yet. Just try me.